i am sassa

“I don’t know that we’re ever ready for the person who has to blaze the trail. We’re ready for the people who come after them, because somebody else has created enough space for them to not have to shrink to fit. Instead, there’s plenty of room now for them to walk in all their glory. For her, she was at the tip of the spear”

-Cheryl Mills, Hillary Clinton Advisor

I watched a four-part documentary series as I painted Hillary Clinton today. It premiered at this years Sundance Film Festival, and provides an in-depth very behind the scenes look into her 2016 presidential election campaign, with reflections of her past and her accomplishments woven throughout. It was the perfect thing for me to really learn about this powerful woman. The documentary is very no-frills. No voiceovers or tricks, just real footage and interviews. Besides campaign debates, I honestly haven’t spent much time listening to/learning about Hillary, but I get the sense that this documentary goes a little more candidly in-depth into some personal stuff than she’s used to.

One of my biggest goals with this project has been for me to learn about women who have changed the world on my own terms, in my own way. I try to approach each day very honest with myself about pre-conceived notions and where those might come from, in an effort to shed them to make room for my own real feelings. In the case of Hillary Clinton, there are so many layers to shed. Early in the documentary, she was called “the most vilified woman in American history”. I really recommend watching it. It was excellent. It stands to reason that if she is indeed the most hated woman ever, someone reading this may hate her. I’m not out to change anyone’s mind. I just want to share my own insight and thoughts.

I’m a little embarrassed about how little I knew about Hillary Clinton before today. I voted for her, and made an effort to learn about her somewhat during the election prior to that, but I was pretty uninformed. I didn’t have many strong opinions except the ones I had when she lost. I was really, really, really ready for a woman to be president. I’ve been aware of a low hum of vitriol over her always, but I knew at least enough to know better that to latch on to anything. I was in high school during the Clinton presidency, and I’m sure my head was jammed too firmly up my own ass to pay attention then.

Some takeaways from today: Hillary is MUCH more of a badass than I ever knew. I also realized that she is a case study in the impossible set of expectations that every woman is dealt at birth. She has been scrutinized for so much more than I ever knew, which was already a lot. You know, all the important things, like her appearance, her demeanor, her clothes, her voice, her makeup/lack of makeup, her face, her daughter’s face…it goes on forever. But I learned there was more. The fact that she didn’t take her husband’s last name was such a contested issue that former president Clinton’s opponent in the race for governor of Arkansas used it to smear her. She had to change her name, trade her glasses in for contacts, and get a makeover in order to be more likable during his campaign. And this is not some submissive woman. Bill Clinton asked Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. She kept her name, as well as her coke bottle glasses, until she decided to pick her battles and play the game on her own terms. But still. Gross.

Hillary was constantly hammered by press for not being a “normal” politician’s wife, usually due to the fact that she continued practicing law. in 1992 she responded to a reporter, “I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession,” a comment that to me seemed to be about working vs. fulfilling the hostess duties expected of a first lady. Republicans, however, had an absolute field day with it and used it to turn Hillary into an anti-family, anti-home, feminist monster who was picking apart the life choices of other women. That one single comment followed and haunted her forever, but was at the top of a long list of things she said and did that were used to attack her. The crazy thing is, even though I feel I was uninformed about her, I knew this quote. I’ve heard it a thousand times. But you know what I didn’t know? I didn’t know that Hillary Clinton was responsible for the Children’s Health Insurance Program that meant my son could get regular check-ups when I was a young single mother in college. Or that she was responsible for making gender equality a priority of U.S. foreign policy. Or that she was responsible for a bill that supported the adoption of children with special needs. And this is why I want to rely on my own investigation rather that absorbing sound bytes and biased nuggets of bullcrap and spitting it back out as my own opinion.

A last takeaway is that I am in AWE of Hillary Clinton’s composure and ability to remain focused. This is a woman whose communication is constantly called “cold” and “calculated” by the very society that waited like vultures to pick apart her every move. If I had to put up with even a fraction of the frustrating, no-win, sexist charades she’s had to deal with I would have thrown MULTIPLE punches by now. To keep going for what you believe in despite never-ending opposition, and still be able to say it’s worth it because you may have helped pave the way for the next young woman? That is just badass.

Thank you, Hillary Rodham Clinton.